Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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