I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
