i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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