Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
