i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
