i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
