wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
