i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize