its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
