like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
