So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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