I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
