peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
