She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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