Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
