I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
