9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
