i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
