So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
