I feel like abortions should bother me more
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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