I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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