if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
