If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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