I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
