New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
is that a dick in a sweater?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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