Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
