just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
