I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
