Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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