Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
