i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
