I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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