Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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