MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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