I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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