she woke up with a sticky ear
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
