Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
