this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
