i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
