He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
