Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
