she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
