Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
