I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
