Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
