this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
