and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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