I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
