RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
