We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my poor anus
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
