If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
