Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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