I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
