Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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