I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
