i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
two words...techno handjob
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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