i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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