I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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