I got chris browned last night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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