Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
